If I'm being completely honest, I started this blog with the intention of self reflection, and a large hope that I would come into my own, and shall I say..."find myself."
I thought I'd experienced enough in my quarter century to figure out who I am, but honestly, I have days where I feel like a lost cause. Some days I will be high as a horse on life itself, and other days I won't even be able to look at myself in the mirror because I feel like I don't really know who I am or why I act the way that I do. This blog has helped me a bit already, taking the time to write my thoughts and reflect on the days past, but I'm still struggling to figure out who I really am, where I want to go, and what I want to be.
I have a tendency to only see the negative side of things, doubt everything about myself and everyone else, and to always expect the worst, even if it is the most UNlikely of scenarios. Mark is definitely my saving grace when I get into these funks. He is nothing but supportive and encouraging, and really pushes me to see the brighter side of things. He is always quick to tell me how impressed he is with what I've accomplished in my life but, that doesn't always take away the booming voice inside my head that is sometimes telling me otherwise.
So....here goes nothing, my attempt at being open, honest, and well......exposed.
I find myself browsing the internet, and I am awe-struck by other people who seem to have found their element. Yes, I know, what other people post is only a snippet of their lives, but still I can't help but feel jealous at their glorious photography, fashion sense, or developed writing. They just seem to have it all figured out. They seem to know exactly who they are and where they are going.
Lately I've really been contemplating what my element is. I, for instance, put a section on this blog for fashion, but let's be honest, when have I ever made a bold fashion choice in my entire life? So, who I am to expect people to want to check out my "fashion" page. I can only assume that volleyball is my "thing" since I've been playing for so long, and it's pretty much how my marriage started. But, I also find myself itching to be more adventurous with the outdoors, and with photography. Now granted, I have nothing more than my cell phone for photography, but I still love being able to capture some beautiful moments. And, as far as the outdoors are concerned, yes I go out everyday, but I find myself thinking every morning that I should just get up and go do a hike or hit up a lake, or something out of the ordinary.
What's stopping me you ask?, absolutely nothing, other than myself. Everyday I find myself hesitating, making excuses, telling myself that I don't have enough time, or energy. Honestly, I think I'm just scared. For years, I have wanted to do something more involved with volleyball, i.e. start a rental facility to run leagues, tournaments, etc., or to coach, or start up a youth team. This year I've finally been offered a coaching opportunity, but why didn't I ever go searching for one before? How did I ever expect to get involved in the coaching community if I never put myself into it.
Same thing with the outdoors, right now with my job I get five days off in a row. I should be taking every single day to go somewhere different, check out a new hike, find a new trail, pond or anything. And what do I do, I go to the same dog parks, the same trails and the same neighbourhoods as always. Sure it would be easier if I had a buddy that had the same days off as me for some motivation, but there's no reason I shouldn't go solo. But everyday I tell myself I'm to tired, or it's to far, or I don't know if I can bring the dog.....excuses.
As far as the photography goes, I'm not as concerned with this one....yet. It's something that I have only recently really really really started to enjoy, but I know I can't do anything too expansive with it until I build more of a portfolio, or let's be honest, get a decent camera. For now I will settle with taking random scenery pictures when I'm out and about with the dog, and maybe offer myself up if any friends are looking for some basic photography needs.
Even after all this is said though, I find myself asking, how long will it take to be the me that I want to be? I think I'm a far way off from answering this question since I don't even necessarily know who the "me" is that I want to be. Sure if I were to say this stuff out loud, everyone would probably tell me not to stress, and that I have tons of time to figure it out, but the thing is, I don't want to wait to figure it out. I want to start now. I don't want to figure it out five years from now that I've been going in the wrong direction, but then again, is that what life is all about? Some people just know that they want to be a mother, and that's their plan in life. I, on the other hand, know that I don't want to end up a mother, but then what does that leave me with. Sure I have every other possible option in the world, but it's incredibly overwhelming, and how do you choose?
I know I'm lucky that I get to wake up every day, happy in my bed, with a husband who I love more than life itself, and don't get me wrong, I am grateful for everything I have in my life, but I guess sometimes I just feel like I'm letting life down. I have all this opportunity sitting at my feet, but am I really embracing it? I'm just staring at it, and then wondering why my life is as it is.
So I guess I will leave it at this....how do you know if the life you are leading is the direction you are meant to be going? How do you figure out if this is what was meant for you? How do you choose?